Miscarriage

Chances are, you know several women who have experienced a miscarriage. If your circle of friends is anything like mine, chances are you had no idea, until one of your friends told you about theirs, and that once they had theirs so many people confided that they’d had one, too. Google tells me that miscarriage happens in 20% of pregnancies, and that 20% of women who experience one will experience multiple miscarriages.

We had some concerns about miscarriage because my wife is in a high-risk group for mid-term miscarriage. And this being her first pregnancy, we had no idea what the chances were of an early miscarriage. For this reason, we did not tell anyone we were pregnant for some time. We told very close friends and family, yes, but asked them to keep it between us, for the time being.

I have had this displeasure of asking a friend I had not seen in a while how the baby was doing, only to have the subject very quickly and forcefully changed by her husband. It’s an awful, awful feeling. We didn’t want any of our friends to experience that.

We did not have a miscarriage this time, but even that doesn’t mean we never will. I don’t know that we’ll worry any less next time, but at least we now know that several of our friends will be great people to talk to if it ever happens, because they have been there.

The Pregnancy Test

Wow. What a moment. This is polarizing for sure. You’re not going to walk away thinking, “Oh! Heh. Cool. Wanna see a movie?” Plus sign, no sign, stop sign, whatever – that won’t be your reaction.

In our case, we were not planning to have children for several years. We were only married a MONTH when we decided we needed to take a test. Two bouts of “food poisoning” in one week was extraordinary bad luck…

We were a little shell-shocked that we were even discussing getting a test. We purchased it, and planned to do it the next morning (they’re most accurate that way, at least the one we got). My wife had an excellent idea. “No matter what it says, you’re taking me out for pancakes.” Celebratory, conciliatory, ambiguous, who cares. Pancakes (or waffles, or crepes, or omelets) are good therapy.

We told each other later that we were both sure we were going to see a “no baby” sign come up on the test, let out a big “whew!” and high five each other. Yes, I’m 31.

When it turned up positive, we were definitely stunned. I cried. Yes, I’m a 31-year-old man. My wife cried, too. We were scared, excited, happy, nervous and definitely in shock.

We kept the “stick” for a long time. On a window sill on a paper towel. We thought we were weird for doing that, but we’ve since heard several other people admitting to the same.

We did not share this news right away. For one thing, these tests are not the most reliable. For another, the fact that you are pregnant, sadly, doesn’t always mean you will stay pregnant.

Oh, boy…

Well, that first post from the doctor’s office might have given it away, but in case it didn’t do the job:

My boy was born 16 days ago. It’s been a long ride, and I’ve got a lot of blogging to do. We weren’t telling people about the pregnancy right away, for fear of miscarriage, but that’s another post.

So, here it comes…

Can people change?

I’ve been polling all kinds of random people for marital advice. I figure it’s always a good idea. If I get crappy advice, I can often tell right away – either it sets off spidey-senses, I can detect a lack of general credibility or I can just tell that’s it’s obviously not working for the person dispensing the advice.

One piece of advice I get all the time, and have received from people who can be described as “happy and well-adjusted” as well as “clearly suffering” is:

You have to learn that people don’t change. When you give up on that, you’ll be happy.

Now I’ve heard it a few different ways. I’ve heard “You can’t change a person.” I’ve heard “People never change.” I’ve heard “You can’t wait around for people to change.” In order, I think those statements are true, false, true.

I know people change. Really change. In the important ways. I have personally witnessed several people experience real changes that have lasted years. They were one way (prone to anger, self-destructive, addicted to something), and now they are another. I have also know people who changed only for a time.

I’ve known people for whom change came as a long, difficult struggle, and I’ve known those who came out of some intense experience different than they were before.

But the real question I’m interested in here is this, “Within the context of a marriage, can . . . should people change?”

If your spouse has some habit that drives you nuts, is it okay for you to ask him to kick it? If she doesn’t see eye-to-eye with you on some question of parenthood or money-management or politics, can you ask her to see it your way?

It’s easy to feel like those are two totally different questions. But are they really so different to the person being asked to change?

“Stop smoking!”

“Vote Republican!”

Sometimes I wonder if those feel like two sides of the same coin. They both sound like, “I don’t like what you are. You should be this way.”

“You can’t wait around for people to change.” This one sounds the closest to the truth to me. To me, it says, “People can change. People do change. But it’s not up to you to decide who and when.” It says, “You do your part, regardless. That’s all you can do. And it’s what you’re supposed to do.”

I believe, based on my faith, that if you’re married . . . you’re married. If you married a smoker, you married a smoker. I don’t think you can simply demand that person stop smoking if you decide you don’t like it. I do think it’s okay for you to say something like, “I’d love it if you didn’t smoke.” I’ve seen first-hand how that can create the desire to change in the heart of your spouse. They can and will decide to change all on their own. They won’t hold it against you (because it was their decision). But you can’t expect anything.

Yep. There’s the rub.

You can’t say “I’ve love it if you didn’t smoke” out loud, and to yourself say, “Okay, step one is complete. Now he has to stop smoking. Then I can be happy.” You can’t expect any action. You married a smoker. You had your choice. : P

You can pray for them. You can show them that you love them no matter what.

I’ll tell you what will make them want to smoke even more: telling/asking them to stop during this time, or even before/after.

I think there are two important issues here: conditional love and conviction.

Conviction first. Sorry, Hamlet, but I don’t think you can create conviction in someone else’s heart. I think you can inspire guilt, but I don’t think that’s very productive. Guilt is good for making someone angry, or depressed, or an alcoholic. They might end up the writer of the century, posthumously, of course, but I don’t think you’ll see great change come about in their life.

How does someone get to conviction, then? If you’re a Christian, like me, then I think the answer is The Holy Spirit, prayer, and counseling. If you’re not, then I think it’s something like intense introspection and counseling.

Conditional love: it’s for the birds. Actually, according to Matthew 6:26, even they seem to get unconditional love. Your spouse can’t think for a second that your love for them is contingent on them doing – or not doing – something right. As soon as they thing they’ve screwed that up, they’re prone to give up and give in to whatever is tempting them (cigarette, anger issues, voting for the wrong guy).

If you’re a Christian, how did God get you to change? He showed you love – love you knew you didn’t deserve, and love you knew you couldn’t earn if you tried. Did you change because of it? I know I did.

I also changed when I got married, God and my wife are both now loving me unconditionally. I have a LOT of changing yet to do.

Nagging

A very, very wise friend of mine who’s been married a little under ten years offered this advice:

HIM: For instance, about how many times do you look at your totally full trash can before you actually take it out to the curb?

ME: Heh, I dunno. Three?

HIM: Right, but before you do, your wife says, “When are you going to take the trash out?” She’s only mentioned it once, but you told yourself to do it three times before that, so now it FEELS like you’re being nagged a FOURTH time!

ME: Wow. You’re right.

HIM: Oh it’s not over. AFTER that happens, how many more times before you ACTUALLY take the damned trash out?

ME: Heh, yeah, another 5?

HIM: Or ten? And then your wife asks, “When the hell are you going to take that trash out?” She’s got every right to ask you a SECOND time! You told her two days ago you would take it out! But in your mind, this is like the 15th time she has brought this up! She’s nagging you.

ME: Yikes.

First post! From the doctor’s office no less…

Welcome. Brief one to start the habit. When you go with your wife to the “lady doctor,” take something to read. ; ) Of course, be ready to talk and not read a word if she’s nervous. Oh, and since guys don’t do doctors as often, keep in mind that you won’t actually see the doctor at the time of the appointment, and set your out-of-office accordingly (allow ample time, if you can).

Most of the time I will be asking questions, not dispensing advice, but this first post is slow-pitch.